The pain after a miscarriage, molar pregnancy, termination for any reason, stillbirth, or any other type of neonatal death, can feel unbearable, almost insurmountable. A child born after such a loss is often referred to as a “rainbow baby.” After a storm, new hope, a baby following a very dark grieving period.
It is extremely emotional to experience the birth or adoption of a healthy child, especially following a devastating loss(es). While rainbow babies are little miracles and can have a huge healing effect on parents, the experience is also layered, complex and involves feelings other than pure joy.
Losing a pregnancy is Devastating!
Parents who have lost a baby know just how difficult it is. There is nothing quite like it, you can’t explain it, the void, the guilt, that feeling of loss in your heart.
This can understandably lead to long-term mental health and emotional turbulence. Almost 20% of women report symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) up to nine months after the loss of a baby. Stillbirth, which occurs after the 20th week of pregnancy, can have an even greater effect, with women more likely to experience depression for well over a year after the stillbirth.
Rainbow babies can help heal, but it is never quite so simple. You may feel more anxious, depressed and worrisome that something will go wrong again can be particularly scary.
But don’t worry, you don’t have to experience this journey on your own. And your feelings are valid, no matter what they are.
You Will Feel Mixed Emotions. And That’s Okay.
Pregnancy is an emotional rollercoaster. It doesn’t matter if your pregnancy is smooth and problem-free or the complete opposite, your hormones and the gravity of the situation will heighten everything.
Expecting a rainbow baby brings a wide range of emotions, some of which you will not be expecting. Of course, there will be a lot of joy, happiness and celebration. That unreal feeling that, yes, this time, everything will be fine.
For many parents, however, feelings of grief, guilt and even anger are incredibly common. It will often be painful to think of the “angel baby” who was lost, which can also drive feelings of depression and anxiety.
Do not feel guilty for your emotions or for expressing them, nor should you bottle them up. Losing a pregnancy is always difficult, and can lead to long-lasting mental health and emotional issues that will need to be worked through.
Ultimately, there is no ‘right’ way to feel, your emotions are just that, emotions. It's going to be challenging, despite how beautiful it is to experience a rainbow baby, no matter what happens, some days will be tough. It’s normal to go through a variety of emotions, whether it’s euphoria, joy or jealousy and panic.
You Are Not Alone.
Remember, it’s important to know that you are not alone, nor should you be. You should first know that no matter how you are feeling, it’s important to build a support group around you.
Talk to your healthcare provider. They have the experience to guide you through the journey, and they can also introduce additional monitoring during the pregnancy, adding that reassurance you may be looking for.
Consider engaging a therapist. Work through your feelings as they are happening, always with the realisation that even ‘negative’ emotions are perfectly okay to experience. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can be especially helpful.
Finally, keep your partner in the loop of what you’re going through. Be transparent, air out your thoughts and feelings, share, support and experience the journey together.
Take It One Day at a Time
Waiting nine months for a healthy baby can be nerve-wracking, particularly if you have experienced loss in the past. The time leading up to that 12-week scan can be particularly difficult, with every day spent anxious and with worry.
After such a devastating previous experience, it’s easy to start thinking of everything that can go wrong during the pregnancy. It can be completely overwhelming, leading to high stress and anxiety.
The important thing is to try and take it one day at a time. It’s easier said than done, of course, but focus on the smaller goals and milestones, rather than ‘the big day’.
Just remember, approximately 85% of people who have experienced a single miscarriage will have a rainbow baby (75% if they’ve experienced multiple losses). The odds are in your favour. Remember this fact, especially during those scary moments.
Others May Not ‘Get It.’
Unfortunately, many people will not understand what it’s like to experience the birth or adoption of a rainbow baby. They will expect gratitude and joy at all times, without considering the reality of the experience.
Try to show understanding for their lack of tact, no matter how difficult this can be. Of course, you don't need to tolerate toxic comments that undermine or hurt you, but be aware that a lot of people don't know what it’s like to experience a miscarriage or other loss, even if it’s followed by the miracle of a rainbow baby.
Talk with your close family and friends. Let them know that despite the joy, there are also many difficult moments.
Your Rainbow Baby Experience is Yours.
The term rainbow babies is meant to represent hope after loss, love after a devastating experience, a filling of the heart and a rainbow that follows a storm. For many, it’s a beautiful symbolism that is positive and encouraging.
That doesn’t mean you need to use it or feel compelled to embrace it. To think of a lost child as a “hurricane” can feel uncomfortable for many parents, especially if the baby was lost close to term. If it doesn’t feel right for you, don’t use it, its okay.
It’s more about embracing the idea, encouraging parents, feeling hope after the hurricane, and supporting one another through what will be a beautiful, yet challenging experience. Your experience is your own, as it should be.